Lost in a daze and fog

 Before I continue telling you my story I want to clarify a few things: I am on a spiritual path. I am not religious nor am I an atheist. I chose this path since it is the one that I need to walk. And I must sometimes walk it alone. And sometimes I walk it with others. I am simply trying to find myself. And I am finding out who I really am. I choose to follow my intuition. I want to be happy and at peace with myself. I need harmony and balance so I can be a better person. My beliefs and values are important to me. Over time these beliefs and values have changed and will continue to change and progress so I can continue to be a better person.

I am recapping a bit to remind you of where I am in telling you about my journey so far. In November 2023 I went to the hospital with severe nausea and vomiting. I had COVID.

Things did not end there. The next few months were filled with blackouts and I could not get off the couch or out of bed. I went days without taking my medications and by December, I was mentally unstable. I don’t remember much; just glimpses of things that happened to me. I was asked to go to the hospital by my family. I finally agreed they drove me and stayed with me until  I was admitted. Once again, I was confused as I was told I was there for COVID, yet I was also there for mental health reasons. Although I wasn’t told I had a psychosis, I knew something was wrong with me. I was afraid. I was alone. Other patients walked in and out of my room at all hours of the day and night as I tried to sleep. The patient in the bed next to mine kept her phone and it kept ringing in the middle of the night; two to three times and the voice on the other end was loud and annoying. I felt afraid, confused and alone. I am also certain that I sleptwalk when I was suddenly awakened when I opened another patient's door. I felt jolted from sleep and into a daze while standing in the patient’s doorway. I remember feeling how hot this patient’s room felt as I stood there confused. Eventually, I was pulled away from the doorway by a few nurses as I heard a nurse yelling at me; however, I couldn’t clearly make out what she was saying. And then, I blacked out. I was afraid again. I woke up cuffed to a bed without knowing how I got there. Fear struck once more. What was this hospital doing to me? I’ve never hurt anyone unless it was in self-defence. After some screaming and crying asking them to let me go, they finally were able to give me a sedative and I blacked out once again. Everything after that moment is a blur. Yet, I suddenly started to realize that I knew this was all part of my spiritual path. I had to suffer through horror to be stronger.

Honestly, I don’t remember how I got home, I just remember feeling like my path was clearer. Although I was surrounded by people I love, I still felt and still feel alone and I accept this loneliness until I heal some more. I know that I must be reborn and I understand this is my spiritual path. I must die and be reborn in cycles throughout my lifetime to learn to be who I want to be at the end of my journey.