how sadness feels

I have had some comforting thoughts lately. They are usually about my mother. She was a loving mother. I called her my flower child since she was as free as a bird. She was free until the ogre was around. Then she was trapped. Trapped to a conservative narcissist. Until this day, this ogre carries a belief that he is close to being a human god, that he is highly intelligent, and that he rules his family. Obviously, those are all lies and quite frankly he believes every single one of them, proudly mind you.

Prison cell at the Halifax Citadel
located in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

Question, how many male widows do you think begin dating mere months after their partner's death? I am very curious.

Moving on to my mother. Or, moving on to her gaze that is. She had this look that she gave you when she was proud and when she wanted to tell you she loved you. It was uncanny since you knew that she wanted to tell you, but she never said it, she simply looked at you and you knew. I think it was her eyes. They did tell a lot about her, but you had to look deep to see it. My mother always told me she loved me at the right time, and I needed that from her. We spoke a language in which no one else understood. She knew I needed freedom and she gave it to me like she would a caged bird. I miss her so very much.

In the past year I have grieved my mother and my closest friend. Their difficult passings being close together caused my family's emotional distress, unable to process these two difficult losses. I've been heartbroken before, but this pain is just that, painful. Not the type of pain when you burn yourself or catch you finger in the door. No. It's a kind of pain that takes your breath away. That feeling I compared to being a child falling off a high play structure and not being able to breathe after your back hits the ground with a thud. But it lasts much longer and breathing in is painful and you want someone to tear away the pain sort of like tearing away a tablecloth from a table. It is too much. Your knees get weak and your heart pounds. You can hear crying and you don't realize it is you. Yet, it is. That pain comes back sometimes but not as often as it used to.

My mother has always been and will always be a part of me and I will continue to make her proud. This is how I honour and remember her.