my brain on work reminding me how crazy i am

I feel like there is this thing inside my dad. And he is holding on to this thing so tight and he's guarded it for as long as he can remember. He won't let go of it even if he wanted it to let it go. There is this fake-ness to him. A sort of misrepresentation. His actions do not confirm his words. His body language is off. It's saying nay when he is saying yay.

 

I call it a generation of men and women protecting their damaged upbringing brought on by abusive parents and creepy priests.

A school of fish being fed at
Upper Canada Village in Morrisburg,
Ontario Canada

 Then these men and women had babies and those babies were abused and violated and the cycle of abuse continues when these babies grow up and have babies. But it's not always that way. Sometimes, one of the cycles ends; the abuse ends. And a child grows up knowing love and compassion and understanding. This child will continue this new cycle until it is broken again. Reinforcement is important. Love and patience are even more.

 

I am, indeed, comfortably numb,

Why is no one addressing the elephant, no, wait, the GREEN elephant in the room? No, in every nook and cranny of this world. Damn money problems!

I'm tired

I think the world is not ready for me. It's not ready for me to let go and be who I really am. I want to shed what is holding me back from being a generally good person. I think this since every time I try to start working my way back up, I'm oddly reminded of how long it takes me to realize that I am slowing going down again. I really do want to be normal. I've spent so much time thinking and then evading my thoughts due to feeling a deep shame towards them. Life is not over yet and every moment that comes has the potential of a new beginning that will swiftly evade you if you do not grab hold of it at that moment. Once my moment comes, my new beginning will start again. I must be open to grabbing it before it quickly leaves my grasp.

A bedroom in a relocated old house in
the Glengarry Pioneer Museum in Dunvegan,
Ontario, Canada

Am I the one holding myself back? Why would I do this to myself? why would I sabotage myself? Sabotage my self-worth? My integrity? My ability to move on with my life? I believe that this part of my life has been the most difficult. I have lost two of the very few people that are closest to me. One of those people was unexpectedly taken. I still mourn both losses and every day I do my best to keep moving forward. I am not saying that going back to work should be the next solution. What I am asking myself is how do I go back to work with these limitations. I am a strong and independent woman just like my mother, but I know in my heart that going back to work after receiving a letter of options from my employer would cause me to hold a lot of anger and resentment. If I return to work feeling these strong emotions, I think it will cause me much hardship

When I go back on my thoughts about the office it was a wonderful place to work before my illness. However, shortly before my departure, things seemed to crumble slowly. Promises from the previous Leader were falling apart. The years we had spent sitting with management and having an open dialogue simply started shutting down. I now realize that my employer has made it a more difficult place to work. There is indeed a detachment between management and support staff. Although other sections have a working relationship with their managers in human resources the divide is felt now more than ever and can be hurtful to many in the area. Human Resources can be the bridge that binds the gap between the employee and the employer. However, the tear that was created in Human Resources might now be irreparable until a new leader takes this one’s place. I'm finding it really difficult to explain, what I'm trying to say is that management in Human Resources is also a part of the management team. Therefore, when the support staff went on strike a divide became noticeable between management and support staff in human resources.