Who am I?
I’ve been attempting to heal from my turbulent life and try to find who I am. I need to find balance and a quality of life I can enjoy. It’s been difficult but every milestone matters to me.
I’ve forgotten a lot from childhood, but I remember hearing people talking in my head. I pushed them away as far as I could and did this throughout my years even when I worked as a bartender, waitress and as a public servant. The voices were more or less comforting and I can feel they care for me dearly. They simply echo that they watch over me and help me in my day-to-day life. Guiding me on my way. Loving me. They are not evil. They are family. They want the best for me.
I never considered anything but noise in the background. Not paying attention to them. But when I become sick, I have no strength to push the noisiness away. They become overprotective and ask me to get help. And that is what I did this time. They asked me to seek help at the hospital. When my spouse mentioned the voices to the doctor, I felt this sense of frustration as they were identified as “auditory hallucinations”. This was more than difficult to hear since I now had a label for them I had never considered. Although no one identified that I was schizophrenic, the hospital made sure I felt that way by continuously referring them to “auditory hallucinations”. I’ve never referred to the voices as hallucinations and to this day I refuse to. The voices are real to me since it’s like listening to the radio in my head. Some talk others listen to music. It’s a very tough subject for me to discuss so I choose not to talk about them.
When I came home, I decided to look up “auditory hallucinations” but I also searched “hearing voices spiritual” and found various groups that connect and and discuss their experiences with hearing voices. I also came across a supportive and informative webpage that discusses these occurrences: Understanding Voices. Chris Cook explains:
“Spirituality is a distinctive, potentially creative and universal dimension of human experience arising both within the inner subjective awareness of individuals and within communities, social groups and traditions. It may be experienced as relationship with that which is intimately “inner”, immanent and personal, within the self and others, and/or as relationship with that which is wholly “other”, transcendent and beyond the self. It is experienced as being of fundamental or ultimate importance and is thus concerned with matters of meaning and purpose in life, truth and values.” (https://understandingvoices.com/exploring-voices/voices-and-spirituality/)
The way I see it is that I spent a lot of time ignoring my spiritual side and it is now catching up to me.
Cook continues to explain:
“Others describe spiritual experiences as those which feel deeply meaningful and profound, involving a connection to something greater than the self. Voice-hearing can be a meaningful and significant experience that is often both deeply personal and seems to originate in something ‘other’. It is therefore not surprising that, for many people, hearing voices is a very spiritual experience.” (https://understandingvoices.com/exploring-voices/voices-and-spirituality/)
As some of you may notice on my social media pages, my spiritual side is showing and I no longer want to be afraid of who I am. I want people to understand that the solitude I presently live is to help me stay on my spiritual path. I love conversing with these energies and hope that someday others can connect with me.
I will discuss my latest events in a future post since my time at the local hospital was uneventful as I was quite calm while I was there except for my frustration toward the doctor who was treating me. They reduced my medication and sent me on my way.
Take note that many cultures around the world connect with others who live on different planes of existence. I am not a medium. I don’t tell the future. I just want to help myself and others have a better life here on this earth.
Blessed be
xox
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